I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
