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WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
