I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
