Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
