i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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