gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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