ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
