Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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