someone threw a dead crab at me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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