you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
