You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
