I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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