I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
