anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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