I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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