I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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