Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
