He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
