You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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