Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
