Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
