Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
