There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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