Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
