So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
