Plan B is the new Plan A
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
