yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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