dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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