I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We left an ass print on the piano.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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