stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
