Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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