Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
