You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
