I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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