I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
