mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
