I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
