Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
