I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
