Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
