since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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