i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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