I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
