remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
