His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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