I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
