i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i barfeds in our rink
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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