Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
