When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
