when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
ttyl tear gas
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
