my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
